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aosiskjlaskdjddlkask. 2.0

Mar. 24th, 2009 | 01:24 am

ooooooooooooooh. this is all very bad.  it's about high time i had a lkeajslaksdjflakdsjflakdsjfliweuvsoicxuv23,xcmc entry, though.
it feels good to back even though i might throwup.  all the time.

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satanic panic in the attic.

Mar. 22nd, 2009 | 05:04 pm

i have the weird sensation of constantly wanting to go lie down flat on my back in the middle of a public space. not really for attention, more to just get out of myself. out of my head. out of this bubble. if the sky is still moving, if the earth is still turning, then maybe nothing else matters and everything will be okay.

my life and mental state at the moment remind me of this video game where you slide onto a platform that's surrounded by lava on all sides and boulders are rolling down the slide onto the platform and you have to avoid them and avoid being pushed or falling off the cliff or into the lava. the sense of impending doom is constant.

i'm about to fall off a science cliff into a burning sea of lava.

and then there's the OTHER problem...
i kind of want to cut off my right arm. then i would KNOW why he was looking at me like that ALL THE TIME.
i'm kind of infatuated with him. i might also hate him. he's kind of arrogant and insolent and a very bad team player. but those are all qualities i like in a boy. my social skills are seriously NOT coming through. what a shock to us all.

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dark was the night.

Mar. 19th, 2009 | 09:31 pm

most. self. centred. i've. ever. been.

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i just want to see you underwater.

Jan. 14th, 2009 | 12:28 am

things could be better and things couldn't be better.

there are some things i want to change but i also don't want to change anything.

i sort of feel like my life has reached a plane of stability and that things are going to be how they are for a while now. unless in the next few weeks something outrageous happens and changes everything. i don't have anything in mind, i just want to address the possibility. for example, i could decide to start my own improv troupe and give up any academic pursuit in order to focus on getting big enough to take my show on the road. i might hole up in my bedroom devoted to recreate my identity through blogging.

i'm also thoroughly confused. not about anything imminent; a general haze of confusion floats around me, always, just outside of what i'm doing in the present.
it's something to do with being satisfied and restless, disappointed and proud, and cheerful and melancholy all at the same time.


my bones tell me 2009 is going to be remarkable for it's lack of anything remarkable happening. i want to make a list some of the things i actually realistically want to do this year and it reeks of ennui so i'm not going to do it. that;s somewhat depressing. here's a pretend list.
1. make an impromptu trip. flights are cheap and so is gas.
2. get a tattoo on my arm. a big one. i'll hate it in 10 minutes.
3. go to roskilde. again.
4. take french lessons. get GOOD.
5. form a band.
6. learn to sew. properly. make nice things. displace rodarte in the marketplace.
7. join a book club (the list is starting to smell like boredom/getting to realistic, isn't it?)
8. take risks on the stock market.
9. have an affair that i actually get more pleasure than angst out of (not likely).
10. call into talk radio shows a lot. maybe play canada writes on cbc radio.

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dragging a dead deer up a hill.

Dec. 24th, 2008 | 02:22 am
music: school of seven bells

xmas again, huh?
i didn't ask anyone what they wanted this year; i just shopped tonight and it was pretty great. mostly impulse buys and a lot of things that i just kind of want for myself. this year we have an ugly fake tree and for an interesting breach from tradition, we're not having turkey.

whatever, hands down the best part it that i get three days off. in a ROW. fancy dress!!


my days lately have mostly been filled by the following routine:

a. sleep in until the time you told everyone at work you would arrive even though you know it takes 1.5 hours to get there. but the snow makes every body sleepier and lazier and normal time becomes irrelevant and it's all about what is comfortable and easy and what the BUSES will allow. no more fate just buses. i love the snow. i think i was meant to be a creature of the arctic.

b. drink about 6 cups of coffee in the first three hours of science. wander around the building looking for friends. listen to cbc talk radio reruns while pushing around flies with a paintbrush and pretending you can recognize genetic differences. you really want to listen to the 5 G of music you downloaded last night but last time you got too into it and didn't hear alarams going off and you got in trouble for almost ruining a lot of other people's experiments.

c. get hungry and go trolling for snacks. wander around the building looking for friends, strategically averting eyes away from individuals you accidentally can't remember if you made out with or not at the christmas party, or other individuals who are old and married and in positions of authority and also you found pot in their house.

d. stare at some mouldy, bacteria infested worms on your desk, remember how resilient they are, and convince yourself another day without saving them won't be too bad. go play with the really expensive microscope and try to avoid accidentally taking naps because you put on the sleepiest music and the machine whirs and it's warm and dark and leisurely in there.

e. all of a sudden 5 more hours have happened. all your friends are gone. you realize you really should go home and then your professor corners you and forces you to have dinner with him. again. his treat. again. every time we have the same conversation about being successful in science. sometimes we talk about the inevitability of having relationships with your coworkers. then we talk about his pregnant wife.

f. now you really wanna go home, but you just got free dinner, so you get guilted into doing a few more hours of work. it ends up being fun because its all pseudo-science-very-subjective-madeup-pretend-serious-core analysis on photoshop and that's what i like because it feels like art school. on his way out, your professor reminds you that you're more than welcome to stay in his guest room if i'm worried about making it home in this weather. you decline. forcefully.

g. you eventually go home and it takes a long time but you're relieved you made the last bus. once home, even though its past normal person bed time, you spend 2-3 hours downloading music and reading a lot of garance dore and quizzing yourself on the french. you try to look up papers for science but mostly you just end up reading blogs or the biographies of the scientists whose paper you should be reading. you try to fall asleep while doing this so you don't have to think about your real problems because then you can't sleep because the narcissism takes over and you convince yourself you're going to be alone and dissatisfied in 10 years.

rinse repeat.
clearly, these next three days are going to feature huge withdrawal from such structured routine. i love grad school immensely.

n e way, happy xmas, yall. <3 u / miss u
pce&<3&dsncks.

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we peeled off piece by piece of our souls.

Dec. 8th, 2008 | 02:10 am

Okay time to get serious about this. I miss livejournal.

Things are mostly good, great, grand (except for my AF problems).
Science is ace except when it's not ace it's pretty demoralizing and upsetting, but then something good happens and the demons of stupidity that invade my ego are gone.

Meriko and I are moving out together in the new year and it's going to be completely worth the poverty. Me and my new bike and my future new boyfriend (when I solve the AF problems) are going to all be so happy together. He's going to have arm tattoos. I'm going to have curly hair. Enough fantasy.
More importantly, we (me and meriko) have a dishwasher, and a piano, and a patio, and so many grocery stores near by.

I'm not taking any time off at christmas so I can store up the non-existent points to use at a later date when I have significant adventures to go on. Montreal is calling me hard, and if all goes according to plan, it might start calling me harder in the next few months. We will see.
I'm also pretty serious about doing the next phase of my education there.

I have twitter now. It seemed necessary because kanye west is doing it.
www.twitter.com/swaggerandsway

I have stories to tell. I just want to take it slowly at first again, here.
Until then, peace, love and delicious snacks.

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no hope for the village.

Nov. 11th, 2008 | 12:59 am

I'M STILL HERE.

(you probably didn't hear me over the hail)

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you don't have to be so easy.

Aug. 12th, 2008 | 12:06 am

He said to me that He is an advocate for taking the path of least resistance. Maybe He says that because that's what science does. He says sitting back and thinking and stopping to think is worse than passive action. I guess like a river. You can't stop nature so maybe it's not life if you stop and try to make a plan or wait for an epiphany. Then He showed me silly indie kid cartoon videos and then He told me that a city isn't always going to be better just because it's different. Then He told me Toronto was better than Montreal and he had no words just scowls for London. Then He brought up Project Runway and how He's a superfan. The whole time He talks to me I feel like I'm about to throw up. Second most, after throwing up, I feel like I'm about to blurt out the most colossally stupid thing possible at any given moment on any given subject. I'm so afraid He's going to pass judgement on me and send me to the hell where inauthentic people go. He asks me personal questions and I just want to lie to make the answers more interesting but I can't. He sucks the dullest truth out of my soul. And. I can't even ask personal questions back. He kind of hypnotizes me. I like everything He likes. I'll do anything He tells me. I'm a bit terrified of this arrangement. I am a slave. It might be a little bit sexual. I'm so terrified of Him. But I revere Him and I just want Him to accept me into His kingdom of a little bit science and a lot being BFF with all our favourite bands.

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flood the streets with love or light or heat whatever

Jul. 10th, 2008 | 11:21 am

i'm home from europe.

there was lots of mostly pleasant and a few unpleasant dramas: crippling bouts of illness, losing passports, finding passports, missing flights, hazy drunken encounters with strangers, hazy drunken evenings with distantly related family members, miles and miles of walking through my soul city as an incredibly lonely soul, being overwhelmed by russian, being underwhelmed by gaudi, undefeatable mediterranean beach dust, wimbledon and pimms with lemonade and tennis whites, stubborn roskilde festival dirt and giant field-of-ashtray, and much to my delight, flowerbomb and mushroom cloud fashion.

barcelona was beautiful and vibrant and inspirational. and pulsing with tourists. it was sticky-hot, and a little bit gauche. barcelona is like the grand dame drag queen of cities: it's snobby about nothing except its singular almost-tackiness, and recklessly enthusiastic about everything. there are no rules, just free spirit and vivacity. barcelona has no manners, no inhibition, and no boundaries. it smells like seafood and wet dust, and it sounds like cat-calls and jangling jewellery. i have to go back there. such a gem of loveliness.

london is still london and it still makes me catch my breath and i still struggle to contain my excitement as i walk through the streets. the east london hipsters are still so endlessly wrapped up in their scene, and the markets are bustling and the city boys still wear suits and have pints in the pub before noon. hampstead is still a borrough of satchels and old rich brick, and brick lane still compromises between its bengal culture and its filth and its artsy-chic. camden town was mostly intact, but somehow campier than ever. the houses are still sandstone pastel rainbow in notting hill, and george orwell is still resident at the top of portabello road. the tides in thames still go up and down and the the london skyline along the river is still visually underwhelming but historically delightful. i'm moving back there. i just don't know when. somebody tell me when.

roskilde festival was eden. that place is home to the most stylish and also filthiest people ever. so i would say was dirty-muso-viva-glam. there was so much dust and bad gypsies stealing from charity and a continuous cloud of cigarette smoke to peer through, and so much delicious but nutritionally void food. the concerts were seamless and i have never seen bands so delighted to play, nor a crowd more willing to dance dance dance. the danish sun seemed almost eternal, and then at night it was freezing in the overcrowded, mattress-less tent. i think you could say det er for vildt. it was too awesome.

now all i want to be is a 80s-glam-rock danish pop star. it doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. sunshine-bathed vancouver is so beautiful it makes me sick and i have an extended engagement with this hard-to-hate place for some time, it seems.

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talking sweet and looking fine

Jun. 8th, 2008 | 01:17 am
music: born ruffians

lately, i've been brainstorming on ways i can improve my life. ways i can improve my general well-being and self-satisfaction. so far what i've come up with is as follows:

whistle more. walk around with a cane. twist on lamp poles. randomly shuffle-hop as i'm walking from A to B. if it worked for fred and ginger, why not for me?

take a (foreign) lover. indulge in WEEKS of scandalous foreplay. this kills two birds with one stone. an (almost) sex life, and, completely unnecessary power tripping.

start signing my name "stephanie ellis, bsc." i intended to start doing this a long time ago. i don't know what happened. evidently, i let my modesty get the best of me. horror.

floss more.

consider veganism (to feel like a have an almost religious mantra to be self-righteous about, but then wear fur coats and alligator skin) / smoke more cigarettes (to increase my intellectual sophisticate aura) /stop going to the gym (i hate the gym)

so far that's all i can come up with. since LEAVE THE COUNTRY FOREVER ON AN AIMLESS WHIM isn't realistically in the picture any more. but that may change.

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